Vast, Unmeasured, Boundless, Free!

I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement and for walking with me as I went through the up-and-down motions of culture shock this last week and a half or so (though it's bound to continue).  I hope that through it all I haven't left you with an impression that I'm not being taken care of or that I'm not enjoying my time here because that couldn't be more untrue!  Yes, it's been very very trying, but I'm sure it's not any harder for me than it would be for anyone else in my situation [and for my fellow CDV classmates around the world--yes!  that includes you domestic interns too!  you are doing real research! ;)].

And I've been learning!  Learning to rely on Christ because I can't just walk into the next room and ask my roommate for counsel; I can't run down the stairs to find a mentor for advice; my family and friends aren't "just a phone call away."  I'm learning to rest in the knowledge that He listens when I call and hears the cries of my heart.  I've also been learning to pray boldly for specific things (I'm often afraid to pray boldly because I'm afraid he won't answer...silly, I know.  But if it takes this kind of desperation to rid me of my fears, so be it).

When CDV majors go through the pre-internship process we have to take a number of psychological assessment tests.  Well!  The counselors kindly informed me that my tests demonstrated high anxiety and that I should consider attending followup counseling sessions.  Of course that put me into high anxiety if I wasn't anxious before.  Then I thought, "If you want to be a counselor, Jessica, you need to learn to be counseled."  "Fine."  Counseling was very helpful for a number of reasons and I can clearly see that God's used that period of my life in many ways...but here's the point I want to make today:  my counselor said that I have a very methodological way of handling stress and much of my support comes from high quality relationships (which is good!) but she also noted (very wisely) that when I am on my internship I will be alone.  So since middle of my sophomore year I've been thinking about how to prepare myself to "be alone."  Is He really enough for me?

Social support is necessary (we're made for relationship!) and social support is a gift from God, but what remains when social support is gone?  Can you function?  Do you fall apart?  Where is your foundation?  I think I sometimes fill the space between me and God with other relationships.  I think I'm afraid to be alone with Him.  I think I try to distract Him from looking at me by doing other things for him and saying "look at what I did (just please don't look at me)."  To be honest, I'm ashamed to be naked before him; ashamed of my ugliness; afraid to let him see me; afraid he won't like what he sees and reject me.  Oh but this is the beauty and wonder of the gospel!:  when he sees me, he sees me clean--He sees Christ.  He delights in me.  He loved me while I was still a sinner.  What a thought!  What makes me think that He could love me more or less?  I am not God.

Sinclair Ferguson said "When you think about it, virtually every failure in our Christian lives can be traced back to failure here:  We forget who God is; or we forget who we are."  So, brothers and sisters, remember today that you are your Beloved's and He is yours.  You are a child of God.  You are valuable and you are precious.  You were intentionally knit together.  You are loved.  He delights in you.  AND!  You are not God.


Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus, Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!