Anong Bago? (What's New?)

Research:  It's definitely progressing.  The day after I wrote my "I'm so emotional" post, my translator informed me that she could not translate for me anymore.  My reaction?  Huge sigh of relief!  Not that she was a poor translator, I just couldn't seem to communicate my research goals to her and we didn't appear to see eye to eye on her role as my translator (she's also my house-sister, so that made things sensitive and complicated).  Instead of being worried, I had an overwhelming sense of peace.  I thought, "Alright that makes things easier!  I'll just pray for a new translator with these specific characteristics."  Four hours later, I had a new translator!  Praise God!  She and I hit it off right away.  She has a heart for ministry and a mind for development.  She's also had experience in the barangays, but is not officially associated with the church (less bias).  We're also the same age even though she's two years out of college!  (They start college at age 16 here; there's no middle school).  She has a type A personality, takes things seriously, and is very meticulous!  I think she works harder than I do!  And that makes it all the easier for me to trust her.  In the last three days we've covered two out of the six barangays with 15 household semi-structured interviews from each.  The best part was that we didn't rush these interviews at all...they just flowed one to the next.  Efficient and effective?  Oh how I pray it is so.  Yesterday we took a day off to catch up on compiling notes and paper work---yeah...still working on that one.  Monday we're going to meet to consolidate our notes.  Tuesday I have an engagement with my host family and Wednesday we'll resume interviewing.  If we keep working at this pace we'll be able to triangulate our data!

Video Log 5.28.2010:

Culture Shock:
I think I always thought that the more times you went through the process of culture shock the less shocked you'd be next time.  Not true!  We're biologically programed for regularity and cycles and patterns, etc.  You will go through culture shock no matter how many times you've been through it before, but your external circumstances (if you're traveling with a team, if you have a pre-established understanding of cultural norms, if you have pre-established relationships with people) make a difference in how you manage yourself as you face shock (and maybe how long you're in shock).  -- I'm feeling much more confident and comfortable this week, legitimizing similarities and differences and interacting with the youth at the church.  "Just be yourself," Dr. Mask advised me before I left Covenant, "no more, no less.  They'll love you!"  With all your encouragement backing me up, I tried to relax a bit this week...life is better when I'm not panicking.  I should try it more often.  Thanks friends!

Vast, Unmeasured, Boundless, Free!

I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement and for walking with me as I went through the up-and-down motions of culture shock this last week and a half or so (though it's bound to continue).  I hope that through it all I haven't left you with an impression that I'm not being taken care of or that I'm not enjoying my time here because that couldn't be more untrue!  Yes, it's been very very trying, but I'm sure it's not any harder for me than it would be for anyone else in my situation [and for my fellow CDV classmates around the world--yes!  that includes you domestic interns too!  you are doing real research! ;)].

And I've been learning!  Learning to rely on Christ because I can't just walk into the next room and ask my roommate for counsel; I can't run down the stairs to find a mentor for advice; my family and friends aren't "just a phone call away."  I'm learning to rest in the knowledge that He listens when I call and hears the cries of my heart.  I've also been learning to pray boldly for specific things (I'm often afraid to pray boldly because I'm afraid he won't answer...silly, I know.  But if it takes this kind of desperation to rid me of my fears, so be it).

When CDV majors go through the pre-internship process we have to take a number of psychological assessment tests.  Well!  The counselors kindly informed me that my tests demonstrated high anxiety and that I should consider attending followup counseling sessions.  Of course that put me into high anxiety if I wasn't anxious before.  Then I thought, "If you want to be a counselor, Jessica, you need to learn to be counseled."  "Fine."  Counseling was very helpful for a number of reasons and I can clearly see that God's used that period of my life in many ways...but here's the point I want to make today:  my counselor said that I have a very methodological way of handling stress and much of my support comes from high quality relationships (which is good!) but she also noted (very wisely) that when I am on my internship I will be alone.  So since middle of my sophomore year I've been thinking about how to prepare myself to "be alone."  Is He really enough for me?

Social support is necessary (we're made for relationship!) and social support is a gift from God, but what remains when social support is gone?  Can you function?  Do you fall apart?  Where is your foundation?  I think I sometimes fill the space between me and God with other relationships.  I think I'm afraid to be alone with Him.  I think I try to distract Him from looking at me by doing other things for him and saying "look at what I did (just please don't look at me)."  To be honest, I'm ashamed to be naked before him; ashamed of my ugliness; afraid to let him see me; afraid he won't like what he sees and reject me.  Oh but this is the beauty and wonder of the gospel!:  when he sees me, he sees me clean--He sees Christ.  He delights in me.  He loved me while I was still a sinner.  What a thought!  What makes me think that He could love me more or less?  I am not God.

Sinclair Ferguson said "When you think about it, virtually every failure in our Christian lives can be traced back to failure here:  We forget who God is; or we forget who we are."  So, brothers and sisters, remember today that you are your Beloved's and He is yours.  You are a child of God.  You are valuable and you are precious.  You were intentionally knit together.  You are loved.  He delights in you.  AND!  You are not God.


Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus, Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!

Talaga?! (Really?!)

I've had a really emotionally exhausting weekend...a lot of questions and a lot of tears.  1)  I have been reading memoirs of the Rwandan genocide in 1994 [okay, unrelated to my research, but I wanted to learn.  I had a day off...].  2)  It's been very frustrating to watch my research change after every conversation.  So much is up in the air that nobody really knows anything.  I say "watch my research change" because I'm the passive agent; things change, so I change.  I've had a really difficult time communicating with the leaders of the church and with my translator (which really doesn't help).  Relationships are so sensitive!--because of the culture, because of the language barrier, because these are my brothers and sisters and I want to love them well.

I woke up to my first morning in the Philippines and thought to myself, "Wow it's exhausting living at the mercy of others!"--their schedules, their norms, their traditions...  Hm!  Interesting thought!--living at the mercy of others.  There's not a lot of freedom for me because I can't travel on my own (I'm going to admit right now that I have really been resenting the fact that the CDV department sends out their interns one by one (generally)...but it's okay...God knows what he wants me to learn and I know that I am learning much more by being alone (because apparently it's very hard for me)...But you can pray that my resentment will turn to contentment as I really struggle with my desire to explore but am hindered by the fact that I am a girl and that I am alone.  Oh that's right!  I am also resenting that I am a girl right now.  You can pray for that too.)  I'm really starting to get a better understanding of how international students must feel when they first move to the US...and I am so much more empathetic ("Where do I buy shampoo and toothpaste?"  "How much is $1, really?"  "It's so inconvenient to have to drive a car in order to go anywhere.")  We've had a lot of international students live at my house and I was always a little offended and confused by how unresponsive they were to things...but now I get it!  They're in shock!  They're trying to piece together the intricacies of how life works--something we definitely take for granted.

I have been very lonely.  Everywhere I go people are speaking, but I cannot understand what they are saying.  Why don't they talk to me?  Do they not like me?  They laugh and joke, but I do not know why.  I can only smile for so long.  Then I think about all the times we've had visitors at our church who only speak Chinese and here we are rattling off in English--we still liked them!  We liked them even more when they kept hanging around us even though they couldn't understand.  So yes!  The time I am spending sitting with this ridiculous smile that does not at all reflect how I am feeling is making a difference!  Oh perseverance.  I have so much more admiration for immigrants!

I didn't want to leave this blog on such a negative note, but my host just informed me that she's going to visit an orphanage and I want to go!  :)  Trust me, I'm feeling much better and God is such a good God!--And not only when things are going well!  He's an even greater God when things suck but I know he is holding me though the horribleness of it all!  So praise him!  I am not my own, but have been bought with a price.