I've had a really emotionally exhausting weekend...a lot of questions and a lot of tears. 1) I have been reading memoirs of the Rwandan genocide in 1994 [okay, unrelated to my research, but I wanted to learn. I had a day off...]. 2) It's been very frustrating to watch my research change after every conversation. So much is up in the air that nobody really knows anything. I say "watch my research change" because I'm the passive agent; things change, so I change. I've had a really difficult time communicating with the leaders of the church and with my translator (which really doesn't help). Relationships are so sensitive!--because of the culture, because of the language barrier, because these are my brothers and sisters and I want to love them well.
I woke up to my first morning in the Philippines and thought to myself, "Wow it's exhausting living at the mercy of others!"--their schedules, their norms, their traditions... Hm! Interesting thought!--living at the mercy of others. There's not a lot of freedom for me because I can't travel on my own (I'm going to admit right now that I have really been resenting the fact that the CDV department sends out their interns one by one (generally)...but it's okay...God knows what he wants me to learn and I know that I am learning much more by being alone (because apparently it's very hard for me)...But you can pray that my resentment will turn to contentment as I really struggle with my desire to explore but am hindered by the fact that I am a girl and that I am alone. Oh that's right! I am also resenting that I am a girl right now. You can pray for that too.) I'm really starting to get a better understanding of how international students must feel when they first move to the US...and I am so much more empathetic ("Where do I buy shampoo and toothpaste?" "How much is $1, really?" "It's so inconvenient to have to drive a car in order to go anywhere.") We've had a lot of international students live at my house and I was always a little offended and confused by how unresponsive they were to things...but now I get it! They're in shock! They're trying to piece together the intricacies of how life works--something we definitely take for granted.
I have been very lonely. Everywhere I go people are speaking, but I cannot understand what they are saying. Why don't they talk to me? Do they not like me? They laugh and joke, but I do not know why. I can only smile for so long. Then I think about all the times we've had visitors at our church who only speak Chinese and here we are rattling off in English--we still liked them! We liked them even more when they kept hanging around us even though they couldn't understand. So yes! The time I am spending sitting with this ridiculous smile that does not at all reflect how I am feeling is making a difference! Oh perseverance. I have so much more admiration for immigrants!
I didn't want to leave this blog on such a negative note, but my host just informed me that she's going to visit an orphanage and I want to go! :) Trust me, I'm feeling much better and God is such a good God!--And not only when things are going well! He's an even greater God when things suck but I know he is holding me though the horribleness of it all! So praise him! I am not my own, but have been bought with a price.
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Are there any Americans in your area? I'm praying for you and the work you are doing.
ReplyDelete1. "living at the mercy of others" love it! make sure you pass that on to the interns for next summer.
ReplyDelete2. Stop reading a depressing book! Read something happy and redeeming! you're already immersed in brokenness! you're not oblivious to it!
3. "He's an even greater God when things suck", first thing I thought when I read this? Dr. Vos, telling us about the college kid sharing prayer requests. yay, another IPC connection.
Thank you for your prayers, and know that I'm praying for you as well sweet sister!
love you!
Girl, the fact that you're taking time reading my blog and commenting on it once is encouraging, having 2 more comments from you? A BLESSING FROM GOD! Seriously, i looked at our comments back and forth and was like "oh my gosh! it's just like an everyday conversation with Jess!" which I really miss having class with you everyday! and then I realized this is the closest I'll come all summer to having a conversation with Jess. Weird!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you switched your reading selection.
Jessica,
ReplyDeleteBeing alone and being in a different culture can become two major hurdles while you're in the field, doing God's mission. Are there some young people your age who you can befriend with? I don't know much about your research subject, but from the experience from your STM to China, I believe you can harvest some "tactics" you cultivated to get yourself to a comfort level soon. One tactic comes to my mind right now is: if it's not very effective to communicate through your interpreter, try to write what you have in mind down in simple English, in bullet point if you will, and then ask your interpreter to translate for you. That way, the accuracy of communication can be greatly improved. You don't want to be blunt, but get your points accross trumps curtsey at times.
Again, I can not imagine how it's like doing what you're doing. My kudos to your courage and the love of mission God puts in your heart! Remember, you're never alone, you've got OCECC family praying and supporting you!
May Lord give you comfort and Joy,
OCECC, Yi Yuanyuan
Hi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Febe and a good friend of Sharie Pillsbury. She actually gave me the link to your blog. I am a Filipino living in Maine with my family (all Filipinos as well). My son Jac goes to Covenant and he will be a sophomore this fall.
Honestly, I don't know what to say...
Ok, here it is. A lot of Pinoys understand English. They just don't have the confidence to communicate it verbally. English is the medium of instruction in schools that's why Pinoys understand it. When they smile it doesn't mean they don't understand you. They actually do and want to be friends with you.
Jess, are you near the University of the Philippines? I asked because we have friends there. The husband is a professor at the university and a close friend of my husband. His family lives there too. They are not Christians (they are Catholics) but very good and trustworthy people and would be willing to help you if you need to go somewhere to buy things that you need. Just let me know...
Will be checking your blogs... and will be praying for you. Wish I was there to interpret for you :-).
Blessings,
Febe Villagonzalo