"Ano" - word used to express "that word I can't remember" [so brilliant!]

Really busy, so quick post! (meaning I haven't edited it 200 times)  (the end is more important than the beginning!  So if you can't read it all, just read #8!!)

1. I killed two cockroaches on my own this week.  TWO!  And they were HUGE.  G-R-O-S-S.  I prayed before attempting to kill each one.  Really long and specific prayers.  Jesus said "yes" to my requests.  Thank God.  Pray for less bugs and more courage...and that Jesus would keep saying "yes" in this department of my life  :)
2. I've been memorizing Psalm 27.  Reciting it has been like having a super top secret, super effective medication for my loneliness and fears.  Pray for a continued hunger for the Word and growth in depth of understanding.  Pray for faithfulness.
3. Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for your comments and e-mails.  Even if I haven't found the time to respond to them, I've treasured each one dearly!  They really DO help me get through the rough patches of every day.  They especially help motivate me to continue to work (I need that everyday...so if you want to send me a message everyday that says "you can do it!"  that'd be awesome).  Praise for the blessing all of you are to me and for the encouragement I've been receiving through you!  Pray for continued motivation in doing good work (I'm really kind of behind on all the writing I have to do).
4. I bought new pens.  I was having a really bad day, but then I was in an air-conditioned store for 30 minutes and I bought pretty pens and my day?  Much better.  A little sad, but I guess it's the little things.  And the pretty things... :)  and the air-conditioning.  Trust me, it had been a miserable day.  Oh and 10 pens + a notebook < $5.  Yeah!  And then eating frozen watermelon with my host mother and talking about life...wonderful way to end an exhausting day!  Thank God for the little things he brings me during the day to show me He's there so I can rest in Him.
5. I have PLANS!!  Social plans!!  That means...I have friends!  or at least I'm starting to have friends...  Outing this Friday...hiking up a mountain?  and shopping with the church secretary next Tuesday.  She's 24 and super tiny and super cute.  I think we'll have fun.  Pray for my social interactions and Praise for growing friendships.
6. I was starting to get really discouraged doing interviews last week because I found myself becoming bored.  I thought, "You can't be bored yet!  You've only done 30 interviews!  You have 60 more!!"  and also, "You can't be bored!  You're listening to people share their lives!  You're supposed to care!"   and then, "You are a horrible cdv major.  FAIL for not liking interviews."  --  Right.  Then today, while doing interviews, I realized...I really love this!  It's just really difficult when I can't speak to people myself and I have to go through a translator.  I feel like such an outsider.  My interviews with these people are not going to make a huge difference in their lives.  I'm only there for 12 weeks.  *light bulb ON*  Which is why I'm working for the church!!  The church is there long term.  The church is there to be a testimony to Christ.  I'm just a tiny piece and I'm just a servant.  Wow.  My interviews were created with the intention of informing the church, not for me to go out and fix people.  Pray for humility in my research.  Pray that it would be for His glory and not my own.  Pray that I would be willing to submit my research plans/intentions/goals to His plans/intentions/goals.  Pray that I do no harm.  Pray that I will be able to be a blessing to those I interact with, not because of me, but because of Him.  Pray that I will be a good/faithful testimony for the Church here as I interact with their typhoon relief beneficiaries.
7. Pray for some more free time so that I can finish my assignments and share some really neat stories with you that don't have to do with me! 
8. Pray for a family I met today--they were the first of my 7 interviews.  The couple has a sick 5 month old baby - gastrointestinal infection.  He's been sick since he was 1 and a half months old.  They can't afford to take the baby to see a doctor again (with paying for damages from the typhoon, lack of stable income, 3 other children, preparing for the next wet seasons...health care wasn't in their budget), so they keep taking him to the local health center...but all the health center can do is tell them to go see a doctor.  The baby is very weak, his skin hangs off his bones, he's jaundiced (yellow), and he has a protruding and rigid abdomen.  I don't know what we can do for this family because I really can't/shouldn't do anything without approval/advising.  I brought it up to the deacon board tonight at the prayer meeting...so we'll see.  I think my translator and I are going to keep visiting with them while we're still interviewing their barangay and pray pray pray that prayers of healing will do the trick.  So please pray with us!  and ask others to pray!

Anong Bago? (What's New?)

Research:  It's definitely progressing.  The day after I wrote my "I'm so emotional" post, my translator informed me that she could not translate for me anymore.  My reaction?  Huge sigh of relief!  Not that she was a poor translator, I just couldn't seem to communicate my research goals to her and we didn't appear to see eye to eye on her role as my translator (she's also my house-sister, so that made things sensitive and complicated).  Instead of being worried, I had an overwhelming sense of peace.  I thought, "Alright that makes things easier!  I'll just pray for a new translator with these specific characteristics."  Four hours later, I had a new translator!  Praise God!  She and I hit it off right away.  She has a heart for ministry and a mind for development.  She's also had experience in the barangays, but is not officially associated with the church (less bias).  We're also the same age even though she's two years out of college!  (They start college at age 16 here; there's no middle school).  She has a type A personality, takes things seriously, and is very meticulous!  I think she works harder than I do!  And that makes it all the easier for me to trust her.  In the last three days we've covered two out of the six barangays with 15 household semi-structured interviews from each.  The best part was that we didn't rush these interviews at all...they just flowed one to the next.  Efficient and effective?  Oh how I pray it is so.  Yesterday we took a day off to catch up on compiling notes and paper work---yeah...still working on that one.  Monday we're going to meet to consolidate our notes.  Tuesday I have an engagement with my host family and Wednesday we'll resume interviewing.  If we keep working at this pace we'll be able to triangulate our data!

Video Log 5.28.2010:

Culture Shock:
I think I always thought that the more times you went through the process of culture shock the less shocked you'd be next time.  Not true!  We're biologically programed for regularity and cycles and patterns, etc.  You will go through culture shock no matter how many times you've been through it before, but your external circumstances (if you're traveling with a team, if you have a pre-established understanding of cultural norms, if you have pre-established relationships with people) make a difference in how you manage yourself as you face shock (and maybe how long you're in shock).  -- I'm feeling much more confident and comfortable this week, legitimizing similarities and differences and interacting with the youth at the church.  "Just be yourself," Dr. Mask advised me before I left Covenant, "no more, no less.  They'll love you!"  With all your encouragement backing me up, I tried to relax a bit this week...life is better when I'm not panicking.  I should try it more often.  Thanks friends!

Vast, Unmeasured, Boundless, Free!

I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement and for walking with me as I went through the up-and-down motions of culture shock this last week and a half or so (though it's bound to continue).  I hope that through it all I haven't left you with an impression that I'm not being taken care of or that I'm not enjoying my time here because that couldn't be more untrue!  Yes, it's been very very trying, but I'm sure it's not any harder for me than it would be for anyone else in my situation [and for my fellow CDV classmates around the world--yes!  that includes you domestic interns too!  you are doing real research! ;)].

And I've been learning!  Learning to rely on Christ because I can't just walk into the next room and ask my roommate for counsel; I can't run down the stairs to find a mentor for advice; my family and friends aren't "just a phone call away."  I'm learning to rest in the knowledge that He listens when I call and hears the cries of my heart.  I've also been learning to pray boldly for specific things (I'm often afraid to pray boldly because I'm afraid he won't answer...silly, I know.  But if it takes this kind of desperation to rid me of my fears, so be it).

When CDV majors go through the pre-internship process we have to take a number of psychological assessment tests.  Well!  The counselors kindly informed me that my tests demonstrated high anxiety and that I should consider attending followup counseling sessions.  Of course that put me into high anxiety if I wasn't anxious before.  Then I thought, "If you want to be a counselor, Jessica, you need to learn to be counseled."  "Fine."  Counseling was very helpful for a number of reasons and I can clearly see that God's used that period of my life in many ways...but here's the point I want to make today:  my counselor said that I have a very methodological way of handling stress and much of my support comes from high quality relationships (which is good!) but she also noted (very wisely) that when I am on my internship I will be alone.  So since middle of my sophomore year I've been thinking about how to prepare myself to "be alone."  Is He really enough for me?

Social support is necessary (we're made for relationship!) and social support is a gift from God, but what remains when social support is gone?  Can you function?  Do you fall apart?  Where is your foundation?  I think I sometimes fill the space between me and God with other relationships.  I think I'm afraid to be alone with Him.  I think I try to distract Him from looking at me by doing other things for him and saying "look at what I did (just please don't look at me)."  To be honest, I'm ashamed to be naked before him; ashamed of my ugliness; afraid to let him see me; afraid he won't like what he sees and reject me.  Oh but this is the beauty and wonder of the gospel!:  when he sees me, he sees me clean--He sees Christ.  He delights in me.  He loved me while I was still a sinner.  What a thought!  What makes me think that He could love me more or less?  I am not God.

Sinclair Ferguson said "When you think about it, virtually every failure in our Christian lives can be traced back to failure here:  We forget who God is; or we forget who we are."  So, brothers and sisters, remember today that you are your Beloved's and He is yours.  You are a child of God.  You are valuable and you are precious.  You were intentionally knit together.  You are loved.  He delights in you.  AND!  You are not God.


Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus, Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!

Talaga?! (Really?!)

I've had a really emotionally exhausting weekend...a lot of questions and a lot of tears.  1)  I have been reading memoirs of the Rwandan genocide in 1994 [okay, unrelated to my research, but I wanted to learn.  I had a day off...].  2)  It's been very frustrating to watch my research change after every conversation.  So much is up in the air that nobody really knows anything.  I say "watch my research change" because I'm the passive agent; things change, so I change.  I've had a really difficult time communicating with the leaders of the church and with my translator (which really doesn't help).  Relationships are so sensitive!--because of the culture, because of the language barrier, because these are my brothers and sisters and I want to love them well.

I woke up to my first morning in the Philippines and thought to myself, "Wow it's exhausting living at the mercy of others!"--their schedules, their norms, their traditions...  Hm!  Interesting thought!--living at the mercy of others.  There's not a lot of freedom for me because I can't travel on my own (I'm going to admit right now that I have really been resenting the fact that the CDV department sends out their interns one by one (generally)...but it's okay...God knows what he wants me to learn and I know that I am learning much more by being alone (because apparently it's very hard for me)...But you can pray that my resentment will turn to contentment as I really struggle with my desire to explore but am hindered by the fact that I am a girl and that I am alone.  Oh that's right!  I am also resenting that I am a girl right now.  You can pray for that too.)  I'm really starting to get a better understanding of how international students must feel when they first move to the US...and I am so much more empathetic ("Where do I buy shampoo and toothpaste?"  "How much is $1, really?"  "It's so inconvenient to have to drive a car in order to go anywhere.")  We've had a lot of international students live at my house and I was always a little offended and confused by how unresponsive they were to things...but now I get it!  They're in shock!  They're trying to piece together the intricacies of how life works--something we definitely take for granted.

I have been very lonely.  Everywhere I go people are speaking, but I cannot understand what they are saying.  Why don't they talk to me?  Do they not like me?  They laugh and joke, but I do not know why.  I can only smile for so long.  Then I think about all the times we've had visitors at our church who only speak Chinese and here we are rattling off in English--we still liked them!  We liked them even more when they kept hanging around us even though they couldn't understand.  So yes!  The time I am spending sitting with this ridiculous smile that does not at all reflect how I am feeling is making a difference!  Oh perseverance.  I have so much more admiration for immigrants!

I didn't want to leave this blog on such a negative note, but my host just informed me that she's going to visit an orphanage and I want to go!  :)  Trust me, I'm feeling much better and God is such a good God!--And not only when things are going well!  He's an even greater God when things suck but I know he is holding me though the horribleness of it all!  So praise him!  I am not my own, but have been bought with a price.

I'd Like to Make Myself Believe...

1. I have heard a lot of Lady Gaga since being in the Philippines...and Jason Mraz.  But I think the most played song is Fireflies by Owl City.  Oh and Korean songs, especially the Wonder Girls.  Sometimes I forget where I am.
2. Today I found two ants floating in my cup of water.  I paused...looked at them...looked at them again...and then continued drinking my water.  This amused me greatly.  I suppose it's encouraging to know that I can adjust to bugs...  Next step:  sleep outside without a tent (So much scarier than ants in my water!  At least I know where the critters are!--in my water!)
3. Roosters crow (crow?  do they crow?) ALL times of day, NOT just in the morning!  Childhood stories lie!
4. Sounds I hear as I drift in and out of sleep every night:  roosters, dogs (EVERYBODY owns a dog!), motorcycles, car horns, people talking.  It's mostly quiet between the hours of 12-3AM...and then life starts again at 4AM.  The bakers drive around and honk their horns selling fresh Pandesal (yum!).
5. I had a meeting with the church elders and deacons yesterday.  It was extremely intimidating.  My host even asked me "were you scared?" after we left the meeting.  I said, "YES!" and she responded "ME TOO!"  And her husband is the pastor!  haha.  He even said later "they were behaving strangely yesterday."  Anyway, I'm thinking it was just an off day for them.  My host said that they may have been nervous because they've never had anyone study their church before.  Okay, I can understand that.
6. My research design has changed at least 5 times in one way or another each DAY.  I will now be looking at 6 barangays instead of 3 (ahh!)
7. I've been in Los Banos for 4 days and I've already been to two birthday parties.  They're super-parties!  Everybody is invited!  And there's a never ending supply of food!  Today I went to a pool party (which means:  wear a t-shirt and shorts to swim).  The pool was hot (because it's filled with water from the hot springs - heated by the volcanoes).  They also rented a karaoke machine (Filipinos like to sing.  It's been a great way for me to participate in their activities :D).
8. I keep forgetting to mention this--the language barrier!  Although English is one of the official languages, people generally speak in a mix of Tagalog and English (80% Tagalog and 20% English).  Many people are not confident enough in their English to speak to me...so many times I am left sitting there smiling at them when really I have no idea what's going on.  I just sit there, smile, talk to Jesus, and pick out the little Tagalog I know.  It's overwhelming and very lonely to be surrounded by well meaning people who won't talk to you because they're just as uncomfortable as you are.  It's okay...I'll be here until August!  I know it's an inconvenience for them too--to have to translate for me.  What a pain!
9. You can get anything and everything at 7-eleven.  Yup!

Prayer Requests

1. Continued adjustment to this heat...mixed with the smell of petroleum.
2. Pray for rain!
3. Pray for discernment and sensitivity in my interactions with the locals here (especially with the young people).  And growth in friendships with my brothers and sisters at LBCRC.
4. Courage to speak in Tagalog
5. For the ability to be flexible with my daily schedule and research plans
6. Creativity and wisdom in carrying out my research to fit the requests of my host
7. Pray for LBCRC and their outreach ministries--that God would continue to bless their hearts and efforts!  They have an amazing outreach program that mobilizes young and old in their church AND the efforts of the people in their communities to improve their own communities.
8. Pray that my heart and mind would be open to learning...for a teachable spirit.
9. Building relationships > my agenda and my grade in this internship class
10. Humility!  It's not about me.
11. Praise for the evidence of deepening relationships--though slow and often discouraging.
12. Praise that God prepared me with such a wonderful internship host/mentor.  She has been more help to me than I could have imagined and has been there not only to support me practically in my research but even emotionally as I wrestle with cultural differences.
13. Praise that I am finally getting more excited about my research :) ...even though it's the most frustrating thing in the world!!

With Love!

"The Baths"

I'm in Los Banos now :)  Literally translated, that would be, "the baths."  [wow I think I'm already speaking English like a Filipino; my sentence structure is...different?  It's okay, Jessica, don't fight it; embrace it].  I arrived Monday night probably around 8pm (so that's 8am Monday morning for all you guys).

I am actually living with my internship host and her family.  They were unable to find a suitable foster family for me (because they wanted me to be able to have my own room and to live close to the church--very kind of them!), so they decided to take me in.  My host has hosted many many interns in the past (almost one every summer) but she's never had one live in her home.  She has three kids (two sons and one daughter around my age).  From my guesses, the oldest son is 23, daughter is 20, and youngest son is 18.

Life has been fun...and exhausting!  My brain is so tired of processing new information.  So yes, honestly, I HAVE been talking to myself a lot.  It's been a struggle--trying to be laid back and flexible, but still responsible with my work.  How do you do both??  How do I spend a day just resting in the home, looking over my research notes, recovering from jet lag, and getting to know my hosts KNOWING that I'm going to be writing extensive notes on it later that evening?  (And knowing that I have my first response log due to Dr. Mask in less than a week, demanding that I dig up some information).  It's been weird juggling wanting to just go out there and explore, respecting my host and her time, not wanting to offend the church leaders in anyway (I will meet with them tomorrow.  Yay!!), knowing that I need to let my body adjust to the time and weather, and believing that my time spent just watching tv with my translator is rapport building.  How can doing nothing be doing so much?

Most of my self-talk revolves around "It's good that you are aware of your assignments and what needs to be done before next week, but you are here to LEARN and to BUILD RELATIONSHIPS above all else and that takes time!  It's day 2, take it easy.  You have 3 months.  Yes, that may not be very long, but it is very long!  Be intentional BUT enjoy your time!  Try hard to remember things, but if you forget, just ask!  You do not need to be self-sufficient, you are NOT self-sufficient, so stop trying to be!  Okay go drink some water before you pass out."

So...some fun highlights!

• Within the first hour of being in Los Banos I already walked into somebody's bedroom thinking it was the bathroom.  Oops.  Talk about embarrassing (yes, the person was in there; yes, he was male).
• Ants are becoming my good friends.  They just kind of...live on me.  ... ...
• I've been waking up with my hair all funny because I shower at night and fall asleep wayyy before my hair dries...but the strange part is that my bangs all sweep to the right.  Well, I solved the mystery tonight!  It's because my fan blows from my left to my right.  Hehe.  So today I made sure I sat on the other side of the bed for a while.  (okay, this was a really lame highlight).
• I was able to visit one of the barangays (name = Malinta) today with my translator.  I rode a tricycle and a jeepney (public transportation!).  I was also able to see the lake that led to all the flooding when the typhoon hit.  Despite all the work the community members have done, there are still a lot of damages and people are still recovering...and typhoon season is just around the corner.
• There is soo much musical talent among the young people at church!  Almost everybody plays an instrument (or two, or more) and sings!
• American popular music is very popular here in the Philippines (as is Korean, but I don't really know Korean music). 
• I led worship with the worship team at the prayer meeting tonight.  Hillsong is also very popular here.  I think Chris Tomlin will be in Manila next week for a concert....
• I am living near an active volcano! (active - not in that it will erupt ...well maybe?  but it's hot...which is why there are hot springs here)
• I checked the weather yesterday and the weather report literally said "Hot and Humid, Muggy, Extremely Hot" for the next 10 days.  Nice.  As if "Hot" didn't do the trick.
• I bought an umbrella today.  For the sun.
• I haven't brushed my hair since I was at home.  :)
• Food is great!  Food is also a GREAT way for bonding.  Man...I wish I was a better eater because then I would bond so much quicker with everybody here.  I suck at eating.  I don't even eat rice well and I'm Chinese!  Fail.  AND I know this to be a fact!  Plus, the times when I'm feeling well and am able to stuff food down for the sake of friendship, I--surprise surprise--make new friends!  but most of the time I just don't want to eat.  [Maggie, if you're reading this, I promise you, I think of you all the time and have been trying to imitate your example from when you went to China last summer.  You're so brave!  (and lucky that your secret talent is eating)]

God has been teaching me that he really is in control.  Despite all my worries and my consistent self-talk to keep myself sane (or drive myself insane?)...I have been in prayer and waiting and waiting and waiting...and God is beginning to open the doors.  I've been reading True Spirituality by Francis Schaeffer...it's good.  I've also been learning to relax and enjoy and not worry so much...but it's a difficult process for me--very difficult.  Relaxing + being responsible just never seemed to fit together in my mind...perhaps this will change.

Thank you for your prayers.  I really appreciate them and it encourages me more than you can imagine to know that people are praying for me even when I am too tired (or hot) to pray.  Hey!  You're even praying for me while I'm sleeping!  Because you're awake!

...I should go to bed now.  Love and peace!

Hi There, Little Duckling

I ate Balut yesterday.  “Balut is a fertilized duck egg with a nearly-developed embryo inside that is boiled and eaten in the shell” – Wikipedia.  Let’s just say I’m glad I never saw a picture of this Filipino delicacy before agreeing to eat it (go ahead, look up a picture!).  It was better than I thought it would be…except I don’t think I could eat it again…it’s just hard to think about.  I can’t believe it’s really in my stomach…  The book I read on culture shock and the Philippines said that if I was offered Balut in the Philippines I should know that I don’t have to try it, but if I did, it would give me an immediate “in” with the Filipinos—true story!  The youth from SBCC (Sampaloc Bible Christian Community Church), who cheered me on as I ate, proclaimed me a true Filipino once I finished.  They joked that they should set up a competition between all their Covenant College interns to see how soon they would eat Balut upon their arrival in the Philippines (I ate it day 1, so the bar is pretty high :D—but I ate it out of the fear that if I refused it the first day what would make me think that I’d agree to eat it later?).  Oh the adventures!